Negative Nellies

Unfortunately, this has gotten away from my initial idea which was to have this great history of all of the fun I had planning and what a great era the engagement was. But, I rarely have time to write and only seem to force time to write when I'm feeling crappy and need an outlet for my toxic. Sorry.

I'm in a bad state of stupids and uglies. It's sunny today and maybe some good weather will help the issues. Or maybe not. I'm just all sorts of sick of the world right now. Sick of this stupid wedding, sick of super stupid work, sick of trying to diet and always feeling like crap about it no matter what. If I'm eating well I'm well aware of the good stuff I'm missing, sick of the social pressure to not diet but be magically skinny, if I'm not eating perfect then I feel guilty for having fun and eating things that taste good.

I really want to hop a plane to anywhere but here.

Boring. Supremely boring.

Life has become a mind-numbingly predictable cycle. Monday-Friday. Go to work during the day, go to the gym when I can, run around doing wedding crap, maybe meet a friend for happy hour, feel guilty for drinking and eating unnecessary calories. Saturday - get up early and spend entire day doing worky type things. Go to the gym, wedding stuff, housework, yardwork. Fiance' gets home any time from 6:30-10:30 p.m. Fall into bed exhausted. Sunday, get up and go to Starbucks. Work on stupid wedding stuff. Go home and work on the house some more. Which still continuously looks like shit. Figure out what of my stuff will have to be boxed up and stay that way. Look around, calculating the hours I've put in, what's left to be done, and feel hopeless. Repeat. I've got a bad case of the stupids and uglies. I want to start driving to somewhere far far away.

Another Sleepless Night

For the last week, I've been waking up in panic over invitations. Now, I realize that it isn't rational and even though my rational part is saying, "Things are fine. They're good. They'll be okay. Everything that can be done right now is. Now go to sleep. That's the top of your to do list right now." I can't.

Or I'll dream that X,X, and X major things didn't get done and two months disappeared on me in a flash and no one else seems to think it's a big deal. I'll be freaking out because we forgot to send invitations or something that really is important - not just 'we don't have programs!' and everyone's just going, "So? It's not a big deal. Chill out."

Last night I went to happy hour instead of the gym and proceeded to eat wings, have four cocktails, and part of an order of fish tacos. I went to bed at 10:00 with the startings of another cold (last one was March 17), trying to get a jump on it and kill it with sleep. Instead, I woke up at 12:30, tossed and turned for an hour, stressed out about the damn invites and guilt over the calories I both consumed and did not burn, and then gave up and tried to watch TV until I was sleepy. It was 4:30 before I got back to sleep and I feel like crap. Maybe I should just give up and take a vacation day to get some stuff done.

Just When I'd Labeled the Day: It got way better

Remember Tuesday? Things were looking up and then crashed? Well Tuesday turned out great. No, I did not make it to the gym for my class.

But I did:

• Get an email saying that the new graphic designer would work with our budget. Awesome!
• Get my mitts on not just one dress of a size that would work but also got another bigger size for one girl who was going to need her dress fixed to fit (an 8yo in a 6X). When my fiance struck out at JCPenney, the girl who was helping him suggested we try Burlington Coat Factory. He called them, the did, indeed have the dress and held a couple for me. AWESOME!
• Come home to find an envelope from my former landlord. I held my breath and opened it - to find a HUGE deposit return. I literally jumped for joy at how the day turned out.

What a relief the day turned out to be. Now to just start crossing other things off our insane to do list. :)

Don't Even Know Where to Start

This whole thing has turned into such a disaster. Friday the graphic designer we've been dealing with for months kind of added the last straw. Then I posted a thing on The Rot (my new name for a popular wedding site with a rhyming name) about it and I should have known better. There's a band of bitches that just like to be bitches and think that they're just 'being blunt' and really they're mean. So I left work sobbing. Happy Friday.

Now I have great dresses for all of the flower girls but one. The one that it would be the worst to have her in an 'odd girl out' dress. And I can't find another dress like the others in the right size anywhere. Hours on the internet, multiple store visits in multiple areas... have all come up empty handed. TJ Maxx has its drawbacks.

Then the person I thought would be my new graphic design solution... yeah, WAY out of the budget. Stop my heart and make me think that I'm on candid camera style out of my budget.

It's looking like my evening will not be spent at the gym but instead going to more stores on a dress hunt that is likely a wild goose chase, searching etsy (and cursing their information overload), and the cheaper invitations sites. Oh, and I think I may be getting sick.

Two Days to Portland!

In two days, we're actually going to take a vacation. I can't wait. We both need this as individuals and as a couple. It's not a big deal vacation - just driving down to Portland to stay in a hotel I had a Groupon for and maybe going to a movie and just hanging around the hotel but we're going to turn our phones off and just be a couple for two days. Not a couple that is planning (and paying for - oy vey) a wedding or moving or anything. Just two people who love each other.

It's desperately needed. I've been mildly-moderately dizzy for a week. Generally it's not too bad. Sometimes it's just looking at the computer screen and thinking that they curved the lettering when they didn't but a couple times it was enough to start thinking that I should pull over until it passed. We've both been snippy.

Should I stay home to work on moving in so the house is a little less like an episode of Hoarders (minus the opossums and other vermin)? That might be a good idea but I haven't had a real day off - just doing what I want to do - not work or wedding. Next week, I'll go gangbusters on the house and garage and shed and then, I'll finally be able to get back to some semblance of routine - regular mealtimes and time at the gym.

Sadly, the times I most need to write to chill myself out are when I can't find time. Perhaps there will be more on moving in later. Or not.

Weddings = AISLE. Geography = ISLE

FYI. I just saw somewhere else that a wedding professional used 'isle'. Bonkers, I tell you.

In other news, I sent out the bridesmaids bomb a few hours ago and I'm on pins and needles for reactions. Boiled down, it said that I couldn't find a way to like one of the cheaper brands. But I really thought about it and with 5-10% off from the manufacturer for ordering more than three, plus the 10% coupon I got from the store at the wedding expo plus the credit I had applied to their accounts, it's normal. I said to look at the two brands I like, send me votes for the one that you like best (I'm doing individual styles within the same general idea) and we'll go from there. Really it wasn't bad but it feels really strange to say, "Now if you could hop to and spend your money on this dress I'm dictating, that'd be greeeeeaaaaat."

I hope they like them and everyone's happy.